You're A Champion, Harry
by Vanilla Jester
Summary: Dumbledore tries to tell Harry he's a champion. Silly, juvenile, and with utterly foul language. Based on a video that makes me laugh. Rated M for a very good reason.
The goblet of fire had just turned red again. Sparks were flying out of it. A long flame suddenly shot into the air, and borne upon it was another piece of parchment.

Automatically, it seemed, Dumbledore reached out a long hand and seized the parchment. He held it out and stared at the name written upon it. There was a long pause, during which Dumbledore stared at the slip in his hands, and everyone in the room stared at Dumbledore. And then Dumbledore cleared his throat and read out –

" _Harry Potter._ "

Harry sat there, aware that every head in the Great Hall had turned to look at him. He was stunned. He felt numb. He was surely dreaming. He had not heard correctly.

There was no applause. A buzzing, as though of angry bees, was starting to fill the Hall; some students were standing up to get a better look at Harry as he sat, frozen, in his seat.

Up at the top table, Professor McGonagall had got to her feet and swept past Ludo Bagman and Professor Karkaroff to whisper urgently to Professor Dumbledore, who bent his ear towards her, frowning slightly.

Harry turned to Ron and Hermione; beyond them, he saw the long Gryffindor table all watching him, openmouthed.

"I didn't put my name in," Harry said blankly. "You know I didn't."

Both of them stared just as blankly back.

At the top table, Professor Dumbledore had straightened up, nodding to Professor McGonagall.

"Harry Potter!" he called again. "Harry! You're a champion Harry."

"I'm a WHAT!?" asked Harry loudly, still sitting on the bench.

"Harry, you're a champion," said Dumbledore.

"I'm a WHAT!?" repeated Harry, still not having moved.

"A champion, Harry," replied Dumbledore.

"I'm a CHAMPION!?"

"Yes Harry, you're a champion."

"But I'm just Harry."

"Well 'Just Harry', you are a champion."

"But I'm just Harry!"

"No, 'Just Harry', you are a champion!"

"Listen here, Dumbledore," said Harry, jumping to his feet and clearly growing agitated, "I'm just Harry!"

"NO! Harry! You are a champion!"

"I'm not a champion, Dumbledore, I'm just Harry."

"Listen, Harry," said Dumbledore, sounding more urgent and insistent, "you're a champion!"

"No, Dumbledore, I'm just Harry."

"Harry, for Merlin's sake, you're a champion!"

"A CHAMPION!? I'm just Harry!"

"Nooo 'Just Harry', you're a champion."

"I'm not a champion Dumbledore, I'm just Harry."

"Nooooooo, 'Just Harry', you are a champion."

"I'm not a champion, Dumbledore."

"HARRY! You are a champion!"

"Listen here Dumbledore, you OLD OAF!" shouted Harry, beginning to wave his arms for emphasis and jumping up onto the bench, "I'm not a FUCKING CHAMPION!"

"For Merlin's sake Harry, what is with this language!?" wailed McGonagall.

"Harry! You're a FUCKING CHAMPION!" shouted Dumbledore, also now waving his arms.

"I don't give a FUCK you OLD HAIRY _BASTARD_! I'm not a FUCKING _CHAMPION_!"

"Listen, Harry, you're going to be a champion and do TASKS and SHIT, and you're gonna be FUCKING PLEASED about it!"

"I don't want to do your FUCKING TASKS, you _BASKET-CASE!_ Stick it up your FUCKING _DICK-HOLE!"_

"My fucking WHAT!?"

"DUMBLEDORE! Yer pushin' me over the FUCKING LINE!"

"No, I'm not. You're going to be a champion, you're going to do tasks, you'll fight a dragon, swim in the freezing lake, fight in a monster maze, DEAL WITH IT, ya TWAT!"

"I'M GUNNA PUT MAH _DICK_ IN THE DRAGON!"

Down the table from Harry, completely unnoticed by everyone else, Ginny Weasley fainted.

"I done that when I was younger, that was a bad move" continued Dumbledore, his tone calming down slightly. At this McGonagall, up at the teacher's table, also fainted. Nobody noticed that, either. "You are a champion… " finished Dumbledore.

There was complete silence.

"I'm a WHAT!?" said Harry, wonderingly.

Dumbledore stared at Harry for a moment.

"Yer a champion Harry fer fuck's sake listen to meh."

"Dumbledore, I've been through this, I DON'T GIVE A BLOODY _FUCK_ WHAT YOU THINK!"

"This is NOT negotiable! You come with me, you SPECCY BOWL-HAIRCUT FUCK, SMALL DICK, SKINNY CUNT, EAT MORE _WANKER_ ," shouted Dumbledore, waving his arms again.

"I'LL FUKKEN' SET YER BEARD ON FIRE!" screamed Harry, jumping up and down.

"Mon' then, ya little SPECCY CUNT, square a'go like."

"I'll fukken BURST ye!"

"Right you, ya little wank stain. If you don't get your act together I'm gonna _drag_ you to the tasks. You'll steal from a dragon, freeze in the lake, get lost in a _shitey_ maze, and that'll be that, and you'll enjoy it, ya shhhhhinkey."

"I'll fukken gnaw yer ARM off, Dumbledore."

"Listen, you, get near my arm and I'll slap you across the face like a little BITCH."

"I'll pump ya SILLY!"

"C'mon then, ya CUNT!"

"Suck mah PIXIE DICK, YA ANCIENT COON!"

"I'LL RUPTURE YER FUCKING ANUS WITH MAH MASSIVE WIZARD'S STAFF!"

"I'll rip yer giant DICK off and BASH yer across the JAW WI' ET!"

"LET'S GO, RIGHT NOW, BRING IT ON YA LITTLE WANK!"


End file.
